I just don't get it.

"It's only a five dollar buy in."

four hours later, - $110.

Oops.

Blame the whiskey.

CHEATER!

So did you hear the one about the online poker employee who used his administer's credentials to beat the pants off a bunch of people online? And also, how there's nothing anyone can do about it? If I were that guy, I'd run for my life. I hear people don't like getting fleeced to the tune of millions of dollars.

Meh

Got together this weekend with some bros to play Texas Hold 'em. Frankly, I wasn't too interested in playing. Had a lot on my mind. Good thing someone brought oreos.

WSOP Tournament

Don't forget--tonight's the final table of the WSOP tournament! Watch it!

AW CRAPS!

I didn't play craps this weekend, but I watched people do it. Looked like a blast. Lost of blowing on dice. You know, because other peoples' breath is lucky.

Go fish

I had a dream where a Harrah's just opened a Go Fish table. In the dream, me and a waffle house waitress named Georgia cleaned house, and then she told me of a blackjack dealer she knew who would "make the cards fall our way." Predictably, I started losing really badly, and there was one hand, a pair of tens I double-downed on that would have saved my ass, but then I woke up.

Apparently, in dreams, cheaters never win and the alarm clock never lets you find out the ending.

Steve

What's the deal with these slots?

So I've gone to some bars in the Arlington and Mid-Cities areas, and I've noticed that a few of them have slot machines and gaming tables. What's the legality of these? Do you win money? Anyone know?

Totally related to gambling, I promise.

I haven't played poker in weeks. Did you know there's a luxury retailer called Baccarat? Swanky.

The Professional Poker Player

Ever notice that professional poker players have a sort of signature look? I can't exactly pinpoint it, but it seems to revolve around goatees and wire-frame sunglasses. Yeah, I know that not all of them fit this description, but I am almost positive that every one of those guys who is on TV has at least thought about buying a Wilson leather jacket.

Casino nations

Man, I'm in California right now, having driven across the southwest and up near Sacramento. There are a ton of indian casinos! Hopefully they're better than Winstar.

Here's a gamble!

Try not paying your TABC taxes! I heard about a bar up here that is not reporting all their earnings. I think that owner is better off playing blackjack at a table instead of with the IRS.

Jack of clubs, queen of hearts, king of vomit.

In this week's poker news, I totally got food poisoning and missed my buddy's poker night on Saturday. You'd think vegan food was a safe bet, but I guess eating anywhere is a crapshoot with regards to how employees wash their hands.

This truck has exceeded maximum punnage.

Eight Belles, R.I.P.

May you be first to finish in that great horse race in the sky.

Poker schmoker

My band played at this bar in Denton, but we couldn't set up right away. Know why? POKER NIGHT! I thought that was pretty cool.

You were suspended for what?!

Back in 7th grade, I was called into the principal's office. Whenever you receive this brand of summons, you always get that rush of adrenaline like when you think you've lost your wallet. Of course, if you've done nothing wrong (that you know of, anyway), a guilt-free conscience usually elicits nothing more than bewilderment. Unless of course, you know you've been busted for something. On this particular trip, I knew why I was going: gambling during recess.

At least that's what I and several others were charged with. I thought we were just pitching quarters.

The Gamblerbot

...But yooooooou have a gambling problem!

That's probably one of my favorite bits of a Simpson's episode, when Homer ticks off a bunch of his past shenanigans and absolves himself, because Marge has blown a bunch of money at an Indian casino. Which reminds me: Winstar in Oklahoma still sucks. But online poker does not.

Speakeasy poker game

Found a pretty cool Texas Hold 'Em game in a town twenty miles to the south. Now I didn't play, but I drove my buddies who know what they're doing, and they did pretty well. All in all, it was about twenty people across three tables, and the overall pot ended up being a little over a grand. Buy in was $40, and my friend took home $200 a piece. Not a bad Saturday, I'd say.

Whoops!

Blew about $100 on online poker the other night. Still having trouble getting the hang of it. A co-worker, however, made a killing at a craps table at Mandalay Bay last weekend during a trip to Vegas for his roommate's 21st birthday. He claims to have played next to creepy-ass Joe Simpson as well. It's probably true, given that of all the celebrities to lie about seeing, Joe Simpson is probably not at the top of the list.

Anyway, remember when airlines used to give you free playing cards? Do any of them still do this? I have trouble imagining a game of Texas Hold 'Em taking place on the tray-tables.

I WON!

Got a wild hair last weekend and drove my ass to Shreveport with $300 in my pocket. Hit a streak at the Horseshoe playing Blackjack--started out down $100, then split a pair of tens and then, preparing mentally to end my evening, I put a bill down on each. Got blackjack on the left and a queen of hearts on the other! Dealer flipped up a seven! Netted $250 off that hand! So I'm up a total of $150, and the next hand I put down $50. Got the ace of hearts and beat the dealer with a seven! I stayed for seven more hands, and ended up coming ahead $220.

Sticking that under the mattress for now!

Steve

BEE-EIGHT!!!

If 30 is the new 20, than I’m obviously 19, which also means I’m still young, hip and swingin’. Given that status, you’ll be surprised to find that on Friday night, instead of hitting up some thumping club or getting hammered with a bunch of hipsters at the coolest underground bar no one knows about, I played bingo.

No, you read that right. I was there with little kids and their grandparents, carefully marking cards and politely applauding when someone else’s grids lined up appropriately.

Obviously, I still haven’t gotten the whole poker thing down. Vegas will have to wait.