I have these cards. Do they win?

In 1986, there were several things I wanted to learn to do, but never got around to doing due to various reasons (lack of talent, incompetence, paternal edict, asthma, Force isn't real). For example, I had this friend named Boyd, and his older brother and his friends listend to Metallica and skated pools. At 8 years old, this was probably the closest I was going to get to meeting Spider-man. Boyd's older brother had a bunch of LPs scattered around his room. The two I remember were The Joshua Tree, which seemed lame to me even then, and Master of Puppets. At that point, MOP was the fastest music I had ever heard. I thought Boyd's brother and his friends (and while I can't remember the brother's name, though I know he played soccer at Chapman University, I can remember that one of the friends called himself Stiv) were pretty much gods, and I came home talking about the Bones Brigade, and McTwists, and "Boyd's brother's Metallica music" (as if it had been commissioned by him) and a host of other mid '80s skate crap I didn't understand. So I really wanted to skate. Problem was, my parents didn't think this was something I should really get into, especially given that I was in the nascent stage of a decade long competitive swimming career. I still wish I'd bugged them about Powell Peralta more.

Anyway, in 1987, I really wanted to learn to skate. I still do. I even started last year. I have yet to drop into a bowl, mostly because I'm pushing 30 and am a big chicken. Even Big Bird thinks I'm a pussy. But the other thing I've wanted to be proficient at since I was eight is poker.

This hasn't happened yet, and here's why:

I literally can't shuffle. I understand the mechanics of it, just as I understand the mechanics of dropping into a pool and making frontside grinds on the coping. I am just physically incapable. I don't know why. I have all my digits, and they're all sufficiently strong. I have just never been able to master the operation.

The other reason is that I simply can't follow the rules. No matter how hard I try, I have never been able to cement in my brain what beats what. I know that three of a kind is better than a pair, and a full house is better than three of a kind, and if you get a royal flush, hopefully there is a lot of money in the pot, but beyond that, I really have no idea. I even downloaded some moderately enjoyable strip poker game to my phone to further this education. All I've managed to get is frustrated that Hailey keeps her nipples covered in yellow stars.

But hey, I'm a pretty smart guy. Not Steven Hawking smart, of course, but I'm no Corky either. And after playing Gameloft Strip Poker (most often while on the toilet), I feel like I might be able get a handle on it. Until I read a recent Kevin Smith blog.

I played only premium cards, but we’ve got a donkey at our table who keeps raising what turn out to be shit cards. At one point, he puts me off my K/J suited with a twelve hundred buck bet on a 5/5/2 rainbow flop. Naturally, the turn is a King. Him and one other guy take it to the river in a massive pot that ends with the one guy’s pockets sixes getting rivered by a nine the donkey catches with his terrible 9/6 off-suit hand. There were other shit-beats, too, resulting in me being down to 9500 in chips, with which I had to make a move. The tables had just been rebalanced, there was about two minutes to go before a fifteen minute break, and I limp in with A/Q off-suit. The guy next to me raises 3k and gets a caller. I decide it’s now or never and go all-in. The guy next to me turns over ladies, the guy next to him turns over 10’s. Flop gives me an ace and top pair. The turn miraculously gifts this motherfucker with the only other queen in the deck, and he makes his set. I need an ace on the river to take down the monster pot, but alas, there’s no ace forthcoming. I’m done.

What the hell is he talking about?

And so begins my journey into poker.

Steve